LOSTED Season One
by STUPID COYOTE
Summary: A humorous look at the events of Oceanic 815's crash on the island.


LOSTED Episode One: Why is it Called a Pilot?

(Jack wakes up in the middle of the jungle, looking confused.)

Jack: What happened last night?  
Smokey: Get your ass to the crash site.

(Smokey leaves and Jack stands up and heads to the crash. He pulls Redshirt #1 out from under the engine.)

Claire: Help me!

(Jack abandons Redshirt #1 and goes to Claire.)

Claire: What about the man with the bloody leg?  
Jack: Well, he's not too important to the series, but...

(Redshirt dies.)

Jack: See, the situation resolved itself. Um, I'm having one of those moments where I don't know if you're pregnant, or just really fat...  
Claire: I'm pregnant.  
Jack: Okay, good. Hey you, come here and take care of her.

(Jack leaves Claire with Hurley and checks on Boone, who is giving Rose CPR.)

Jack: Um, you're not really doing that right. At all. In fact, you're making things worse.  
Boone: I don't know if you know, but I'm a lifeguard.  
Jack: I'm sorry, I didn't order any attitude with my plane crash this afternoon. LEAVE BITCH!

(Boone is ashamed and walks away. Later on, Jack is trying to sew himself up. Kate walks by.)

Kate: I love a man with chest hair.  
Jack: Anyways...can you sew me up?  
Kate: Anything to get my hands on that piece of white meat...  
Jack: Are you insane, or just a whore?  
Kate: A little column A, a little column B. I did kill my father.  
Jack: (thinking) She's probably kidding...

(Sayid is trying to build a fire.)

Charlie: I wrote a song about the plane crash. I really think it captures the essence of the tragic...  
Sayid: I could not care less right now, hippie bitch. Get some damn firewood.  
Charlie: I don't know why you insist on hurting me, but-  
Sayid: Are you gonna be pretentious like this the whole time? Because if so, I'll torture your ass.

(Charlie walks away, sulking. Sayid looks satisfied. Later on, the main characters sit around the fire.)

Jack: We were at 40,000 feet when it happened. We hit an air pocket, then dropped 200 feet. I know this because I'm a doctor and clearly the smartest person here.  
Kate: (rips off her clothes) Take me now.  
Jack: Calm yourself down.

(Smokey comes up to the camp.)

Smokey: (high-pitched) Run...it's a smokey...run for your lives...  
Jack: What was that?  
Smokey: It's me, Smokey.  
Kate: It's coming from the jungle!  
Smokey: Like I said, it is I, the smoke monster. If you let me kill a few of the main characters now, the rest of you will be spared death by flaming arrows or being buried alive or any of that shit.  
Walt: Is that Vincent?  
Smokey: All I want to do is leave. I'm willing to work out a peaceful solution.  
Michael: That's not Vincent.  
Smokey: Fuck you all. In about six years, I'm killing some candidates.

(Flasback to the plane. Jack is staring out the window.)

Jack: I hate flying.  
Rose: As do I.  
Jack: I'm sorry, I don't recall inviting a strange black woman to talk to me on an airplane. Thanks.  
Rose: (to herself) What can I say? I like the white men...

(The plane hits some turbulence)

Jack: (to Rose) I blame you.

(They put their gas masks on. On the island, Jack and Kate are talking.)

Jack: I'm gonna go look for that cockpit.  
Kate: I'm about to go looking for your cockpit, Jack.  
Jack: I'm started to regret asking you to come with.

(They approach Charlie.)

Jack: Can you come with us? I don't wanna get raped.  
Charlie: A walk in the woods will stimulate my musical ideas. I accept.  
Jack: Oh, you're not annoying. (to Kate) That was sarcasm.  
Kate: Sexiest sarcasm I ever heard...

(They walk into the woods.)

Kate: Didn't I sleep with you once?  
Charlie: Drive-Shaft concert? Like three years ago?  
Kate: That was you?  
Charlie: That was you?  
Both: Wierd!  
Jack: Kill me now Smokey.  
Smokey: Oh if I could I would. Damn rules...  
Jacob: (laughs)

(They reach the cockpit and crawl inside.)

Charlie: Gotta pee.  
Jack: Don't leave me alone, damnit!  
Kate: Oh please Jack. I can control myself.  
Jack: Yeah whatever. Okay I found the transciever.

(The Pilot wakes up, startling Kate.)

Kate: AHHHHH!

(She beats him to death with the transciever.

Kate: Whoops.  
Jack: I hate you.  
Smokey: I'm back!  
Kate: Run!  
Jack: Didn't that thing just say it couldn't kill us?  
Kate: RUN!

(They run and stop in the woods.)

Kate: What about Charlie?  
Jack: Look it's either death by Smokey now, or drowning in like 100 days. So...  
Kate: Kate doesn't leave people she's slept with behind. MOMMA'S COMING!

(Kate leaves and goes into the bathroom to get Charlie. She finds him doing drugs.)

Kate: Oh damn, now it's a party. (They lock themselves in the bathroom.)

SIX HOURS LATER...

(Jack goes to the cockpit and finds Kate and Charlie naked and covered in heroin.)

Jack: I hate my life.  
Kate: Who will I sleep with next? (points to Jack)  
Charlie: Should I call my song "Night with Kate" or "Ode to Kate?" Or maybe "Kate's Rhapsody?" Jack: I hate my life.

LOSTED 


End file.
